Die hard.
That is all.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
"you don't know me"
I don't know who you are. After I found out what I did, it finally hit me. I have no idea who you are. How could you keep something that big from someone that is supposed to mean a lot to you.
I remember a specific conversation that we had when we first started dating that shows that you just straight up lied about everything.
I think that I just made everything up and that's what makes ne upset. I fell
In love with someone that I made up.... Or atleast that's what I feel like.
I'm just super upset.
It's pushed me away from you and I don't feel bad about anything anymore.
I remember a specific conversation that we had when we first started dating that shows that you just straight up lied about everything.
I think that I just made everything up and that's what makes ne upset. I fell
In love with someone that I made up.... Or atleast that's what I feel like.
I'm just super upset.
It's pushed me away from you and I don't feel bad about anything anymore.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Can time move a little faster, please....?
So here's a little update.
I currently live in Lynnwood with Brother and Gayle.
I am no longer an ice cream slave for Cold Stone, I work in downtown Seattle at Washington Federal Savings as a bank teller.
I am no longer an ice cream slave for Cold Stone, I work in downtown Seattle at Washington Federal Savings as a bank teller.
Next month will be my 21 run (super stoked for that one.)
and most important I got accepted into UW Bothell and will be starting on January 4th 2009.
and most important I got accepted into UW Bothell and will be starting on January 4th 2009.
Lifes starting to move forward a little bit, and im really excited about that.
It's the begining of the Holiday season and i'm so glad that im close to downtown to experience it all!!
Apparently the Macy's Day parade comes right down the street by work, so that will be fun to watch from work (that goodness for having ALL glass windows at work...)
Chris' birthday is coming up, then mine, then christmas, then new years, and then our 1 year shortly afterward.
It's the begining of the Holiday season and i'm so glad that im close to downtown to experience it all!!
Apparently the Macy's Day parade comes right down the street by work, so that will be fun to watch from work (that goodness for having ALL glass windows at work...)
Chris' birthday is coming up, then mine, then christmas, then new years, and then our 1 year shortly afterward.
This year has gone by super fast! Where did the time go...??!!!?
I'm sorry that i've been neglecting you, blog... i hope you can forgive me.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Mate Debate: Is monogamy realistic.
Found this on CNN.com and found it somewhat interesting.
"(CNN) -- If you were to judge the success rate of monogamy by the sex lives of public figures, perhaps couples should change their marriage vows to say, "Till a tempting new partner do us part."
Talk-show host David Letterman recently joined former presidential candidate John Edwards, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford and former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer on a long list of politicians and entertainers (think Jude Law) who have admitted having sex outside their marriage or committed relationship.
But do they just illustrate the realities of modern life?
In the age of hookups, friends with benefits and online dating, and as human life expectancy grows, is it still reasonable to expect people to pair up and stay monogamous until death do them part?
"It's realistic that some people can mate for life in the same sense that some people can play the Beethoven violin concerto or other people can ice-skate beautifully or learn a new language," said psychiatrist Judith Eve Lipton.
Added evolutionary biologist David Barash, "It's within the realm of human potential, but it's not easy."
Lipton and Barash, who have been married 32 years and are the co-authors of "Strange Bedfellows" and "The Myth of Monogamy," said serial monogamy may be more realistic -- a model in which people move from one committed long-term relationship to another and choose partners for different reasons at different stages of their life.
Possibilities in polyamory?
For some, even serial monogamy seems too restrictive.
The 1970s introduced the concept of "open marriage" in which couples stayed married but were free to date other people.
More recently, polyamory -- the practice of having romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved -- has been getting a lot of attention.
"We found the expectation that one person should be our everything seemed unrealistic given our day and age. ... It's oddly pressuring to set up that scenario," said Mark, who lives in Springfield, Missouri, and is in a polyamorous relationship. (He asked that his last name not be used for privacy reasons.)
Mark, 42, has been married for five years. He and his wife tried different things to spice up their marriage, including swinging, or having casual sex with other people, he said. But they found the experience unfulfilling and decided what they really wanted was to be able to fall in love with others while staying together.
Mark dates another woman, and his wife, who declined to be interviewed for this article, is dating another man. The four of them frequently get together to have dinner or watch movies.
"People describe polyamory as 'poly-agony' because of all the work you have to do to maintain things," Mark said. "It's just not normal to look over and see your wife with another man. I know a lot of people would have a real problem with that. I really don't."
The ultimate goal is for everyone in the group to live together, Mark said.
"This isn't about having affairs, it's really about being able to be open and loving," he added.
Researchers studying polyamory estimate there are more than half a million polyamorous families in the United States, according to Newsweek.
People seeking shorter, more secretive dalliances now have more opportunities than ever online. One example: The Ashley Madison Agency, a dating Web site for married men and women, which claims 4.5 million members and greets visitors with the motto, "Life is short. Have an affair."
No wonder many people believe monogamy is completely on its way out. French author Jacques Attali in recent years wrote, "Monogamy, which is really no more than a useful social convention, will not survive. It has rarely been honored in practice; soon, it will vanish even as an ideal."
Cultural give and take
That ideal may depend on where you live.
A journalist who traveled the world to examine how adultery is viewed by different cultures said Americans have a harsher view of infidelity than people in practically any other country.
"Americans are too surprised by infidelity when it happens. I think we go into marriage with perhaps unrealistically high expectations about human nature," said Pamela Druckerman, author of "Lust in Translation."
The French, in contrast, are as hopeful about staying faithful as Americans when they get married, but if one of the spouses has an affair, they are able to accept it as something that can happen over the course of a long marriage, said Druckerman, an American who lives in Paris.
When French President François Mitterrand died in 1996, for example, his longtime mistress and their daughter attended his funeral -- at his widow's invitation.
"[Americans] think if an affair happens, it's the end of the story, the fairy tale has been completely shattered, the person isn't the person we thought they were. The knee-jerk reaction is you have to get a divorce," Druckerman said.
"[In France,] there's less of a sense that the person who cheats is a terrible human being or that this is a marker of a person's whole character."
In Russia, Druckerman found that infidelity is considered a pleasurable vice, like smoking cigarettes. In Finland, sex in general is viewed as a very positive experience, so when a person is presented with the possibility of a sexual experience, it's in some ways socially sanctioned to pursue it, Druckerman said.
Famous and powerful are different
Experts on relationships and human sexuality said that while we may not be wired to stay faithful to one partner for a lifetime, we can make a conscious decision to do so -- a choice that still comes with powerful emotional, biological and economic benefits.
And while the sexual exploits of celebrities such as David Letterman can be shocking, it's important to remember that powerful or famous people can have more inclination, opportunity and resources to stray.
"They are used to the adrenaline rush in terms of being out there in the limelight. ... I call them adrenaline junkies," said Terri Orbuch, a professor of sociology at Oakland University and author of the new book "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great."
"They need that passion and excitement in their relationships."
That can make famous or powerful people more likely to look outside their marriage to continue the adrenaline rush, Orbuch said.
Power, wealth and fame are also well-known aphrodisiacs that attract lots of potential new sexual partners -- an issue with which typical couples may not have to grapple.
Monogamy's payoffs
Whatever the temptation, most people still prefer to be in a monogamous relationship, said Nadine Kaslow, a professor at Emory University School of Medicine who specializes in couples and families and who also is chief psychologist at Grady Health System in Atlanta, Georgia.
"People feel safer and they feel more trusting. They feel like they can depend on their partner," Kaslow said. "I think that we can make choices in a different way than [other] mammals and think through the consequences of things."
Those consequences can be huge, in many ways. Nature has provided powerful incentives to stay faithful that are still valid.
"There are a lot of reasons why sexual monogamy is in people's interests," Lipton said.
"Because whether it's raising children or avoiding emotional chaos and drama, like what David Letterman is facing, or whether it's building an estate and avoiding conflict about estate planning, there are lots of reasons that two people who cooperate are better off than one person alone or one person who is a cheat."
Chew on that one.
"(CNN) -- If you were to judge the success rate of monogamy by the sex lives of public figures, perhaps couples should change their marriage vows to say, "Till a tempting new partner do us part."
Talk-show host David Letterman recently joined former presidential candidate John Edwards, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford and former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer on a long list of politicians and entertainers (think Jude Law) who have admitted having sex outside their marriage or committed relationship.
But do they just illustrate the realities of modern life?
In the age of hookups, friends with benefits and online dating, and as human life expectancy grows, is it still reasonable to expect people to pair up and stay monogamous until death do them part?
"It's realistic that some people can mate for life in the same sense that some people can play the Beethoven violin concerto or other people can ice-skate beautifully or learn a new language," said psychiatrist Judith Eve Lipton.
Added evolutionary biologist David Barash, "It's within the realm of human potential, but it's not easy."
Lipton and Barash, who have been married 32 years and are the co-authors of "Strange Bedfellows" and "The Myth of Monogamy," said serial monogamy may be more realistic -- a model in which people move from one committed long-term relationship to another and choose partners for different reasons at different stages of their life.
Possibilities in polyamory?
For some, even serial monogamy seems too restrictive.
The 1970s introduced the concept of "open marriage" in which couples stayed married but were free to date other people.
More recently, polyamory -- the practice of having romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved -- has been getting a lot of attention.
"We found the expectation that one person should be our everything seemed unrealistic given our day and age. ... It's oddly pressuring to set up that scenario," said Mark, who lives in Springfield, Missouri, and is in a polyamorous relationship. (He asked that his last name not be used for privacy reasons.)
Mark, 42, has been married for five years. He and his wife tried different things to spice up their marriage, including swinging, or having casual sex with other people, he said. But they found the experience unfulfilling and decided what they really wanted was to be able to fall in love with others while staying together.
Mark dates another woman, and his wife, who declined to be interviewed for this article, is dating another man. The four of them frequently get together to have dinner or watch movies.
"People describe polyamory as 'poly-agony' because of all the work you have to do to maintain things," Mark said. "It's just not normal to look over and see your wife with another man. I know a lot of people would have a real problem with that. I really don't."
The ultimate goal is for everyone in the group to live together, Mark said.
"This isn't about having affairs, it's really about being able to be open and loving," he added.
Researchers studying polyamory estimate there are more than half a million polyamorous families in the United States, according to Newsweek.
People seeking shorter, more secretive dalliances now have more opportunities than ever online. One example: The Ashley Madison Agency, a dating Web site for married men and women, which claims 4.5 million members and greets visitors with the motto, "Life is short. Have an affair."
No wonder many people believe monogamy is completely on its way out. French author Jacques Attali in recent years wrote, "Monogamy, which is really no more than a useful social convention, will not survive. It has rarely been honored in practice; soon, it will vanish even as an ideal."
Cultural give and take
That ideal may depend on where you live.
A journalist who traveled the world to examine how adultery is viewed by different cultures said Americans have a harsher view of infidelity than people in practically any other country.
"Americans are too surprised by infidelity when it happens. I think we go into marriage with perhaps unrealistically high expectations about human nature," said Pamela Druckerman, author of "Lust in Translation."
The French, in contrast, are as hopeful about staying faithful as Americans when they get married, but if one of the spouses has an affair, they are able to accept it as something that can happen over the course of a long marriage, said Druckerman, an American who lives in Paris.
When French President François Mitterrand died in 1996, for example, his longtime mistress and their daughter attended his funeral -- at his widow's invitation.
"[Americans] think if an affair happens, it's the end of the story, the fairy tale has been completely shattered, the person isn't the person we thought they were. The knee-jerk reaction is you have to get a divorce," Druckerman said.
"[In France,] there's less of a sense that the person who cheats is a terrible human being or that this is a marker of a person's whole character."
In Russia, Druckerman found that infidelity is considered a pleasurable vice, like smoking cigarettes. In Finland, sex in general is viewed as a very positive experience, so when a person is presented with the possibility of a sexual experience, it's in some ways socially sanctioned to pursue it, Druckerman said.
Famous and powerful are different
Experts on relationships and human sexuality said that while we may not be wired to stay faithful to one partner for a lifetime, we can make a conscious decision to do so -- a choice that still comes with powerful emotional, biological and economic benefits.
And while the sexual exploits of celebrities such as David Letterman can be shocking, it's important to remember that powerful or famous people can have more inclination, opportunity and resources to stray.
"They are used to the adrenaline rush in terms of being out there in the limelight. ... I call them adrenaline junkies," said Terri Orbuch, a professor of sociology at Oakland University and author of the new book "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great."
"They need that passion and excitement in their relationships."
That can make famous or powerful people more likely to look outside their marriage to continue the adrenaline rush, Orbuch said.
Power, wealth and fame are also well-known aphrodisiacs that attract lots of potential new sexual partners -- an issue with which typical couples may not have to grapple.
Monogamy's payoffs
Whatever the temptation, most people still prefer to be in a monogamous relationship, said Nadine Kaslow, a professor at Emory University School of Medicine who specializes in couples and families and who also is chief psychologist at Grady Health System in Atlanta, Georgia.
"People feel safer and they feel more trusting. They feel like they can depend on their partner," Kaslow said. "I think that we can make choices in a different way than [other] mammals and think through the consequences of things."
Those consequences can be huge, in many ways. Nature has provided powerful incentives to stay faithful that are still valid.
"There are a lot of reasons why sexual monogamy is in people's interests," Lipton said.
"Because whether it's raising children or avoiding emotional chaos and drama, like what David Letterman is facing, or whether it's building an estate and avoiding conflict about estate planning, there are lots of reasons that two people who cooperate are better off than one person alone or one person who is a cheat."
Chew on that one.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
this,
is how i've been feeling the last couple of days.
and not to mention... i love this girls voice and the ukulele :D
and not to mention... i love this girls voice and the ukulele :D
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Finally,
things are starting to fall into place. After a long spring/summer of disappointments things are starting to look up. im so excited. I did not get into the University that i wanted to, I didn't get to move out with my best friend like i had hoped to, but after all of this i still managed to get things together.
I have a possibility to get to work for Bank of America, i just need to get through the background check and personal interview with a branch manager..... BoA is looking for locations for me to interview at.
I am going to be more focused on school; since university wasn't an option this year i am going to go to Cascadia Community College to do a couple classes a quarter and to get my GPA up, then hopefully next year will be better.
I am going to move out into the city on September 1st. I am moving into a house with Davey and his roomates... they're all musicians, which is great for me since between work and school i won't be able to do jazz next year like i had hoped to.
I am so glad that things seems to be turning around.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I'm scared....
It's funny how opportunities arise when you least expect them. Just when i was at my lowest point something comes along that could possibly get me outta it, but you know what? I'm scared.
I wonder if im moving on too soon. But the thing that i was thinking about is that fact that he seems to be doing great. Should i be forced to sit here and sulk in my own misery when he's already moved on? I don't think that i should. If he really is happier without me then i should just leave it be, and be happy that he's happy... right?
I mean, Zach seems like a really great guy. We kinda have the same outlook on things and the same goals in life. I was really surprised when i was talking to him because all of the things he was saying were things that i have said to multiple people before. We are a lot a like and i think that this could be good for me. The only thing holding me back is me thinking that im moving on too soon, or maybe its just useless hope, actually, i think thats what it is.... wow, that sucks.
I think he's actually coming in after he gets off of work today though. We'll see how that goes i guess...? Surprisingly i forget about everything and just get super giddy and happy when i see him, shouldn't i be wanting to hold onto that feeling?
i think so too.
I wonder if im moving on too soon. But the thing that i was thinking about is that fact that he seems to be doing great. Should i be forced to sit here and sulk in my own misery when he's already moved on? I don't think that i should. If he really is happier without me then i should just leave it be, and be happy that he's happy... right?
I mean, Zach seems like a really great guy. We kinda have the same outlook on things and the same goals in life. I was really surprised when i was talking to him because all of the things he was saying were things that i have said to multiple people before. We are a lot a like and i think that this could be good for me. The only thing holding me back is me thinking that im moving on too soon, or maybe its just useless hope, actually, i think thats what it is.... wow, that sucks.
I think he's actually coming in after he gets off of work today though. We'll see how that goes i guess...? Surprisingly i forget about everything and just get super giddy and happy when i see him, shouldn't i be wanting to hold onto that feeling?
i think so too.
Monday, July 6, 2009
"And so it goes."
So it seems that this really isn't a blog anymore, but more of a place where i can post videos and pictures that i find amusing or appealing at the time.
Anyways, Chris and I are no longer together and i honestly don't know how to feel about it. It's totally up and down. Surprisingly i was alright during the break up and i felt more angry than anything; i felt like i was just being dragged (is that correct grammar?? hmmm) along for the last couple of days before the break up... but later on during that day i felt totally weirded out. I don't know, im just so up and down about it. In a way i feel like it was the time to break up, but im just a little upset that i had talked to him the night before and that i could feel things getting distant, but it had to be on our 6 month. mehhhh.
I'm not sure if im upset at the fact that we aren't together anymore, or that i feel like im just going to be lonely. Thats always been a problem of mine.... i don't know how to distinguish between the two; no doubt that i loved him and absolutely adored him, but was i ready for it? Was it really the right time? Was the fact that i was willing to over look EVERYTHING because i wanted things to work out to badly part of the reason as to why i was feeling weird? Who know's....
Because i don't. No seriously, someone help me out with this.
i was randonly looking through my CD's in my car this morning and found a CD with this song on it (it was on my "Break-up CD" HAHA go figure. Anyways... its a song that i haven't listened to in years. Super sad and depressing, but for some reason, it makes me feel good. This is "Dry your Eyes - The streets"
i guess chris martin sings in it... WTF??!!
Enjoy, my dearies.
Anyways, Chris and I are no longer together and i honestly don't know how to feel about it. It's totally up and down. Surprisingly i was alright during the break up and i felt more angry than anything; i felt like i was just being dragged (is that correct grammar?? hmmm) along for the last couple of days before the break up... but later on during that day i felt totally weirded out. I don't know, im just so up and down about it. In a way i feel like it was the time to break up, but im just a little upset that i had talked to him the night before and that i could feel things getting distant, but it had to be on our 6 month. mehhhh.
I'm not sure if im upset at the fact that we aren't together anymore, or that i feel like im just going to be lonely. Thats always been a problem of mine.... i don't know how to distinguish between the two; no doubt that i loved him and absolutely adored him, but was i ready for it? Was it really the right time? Was the fact that i was willing to over look EVERYTHING because i wanted things to work out to badly part of the reason as to why i was feeling weird? Who know's....
Because i don't. No seriously, someone help me out with this.
i was randonly looking through my CD's in my car this morning and found a CD with this song on it (it was on my "Break-up CD" HAHA go figure. Anyways... its a song that i haven't listened to in years. Super sad and depressing, but for some reason, it makes me feel good. This is "Dry your Eyes - The streets"
i guess chris martin sings in it... WTF??!!
Enjoy, my dearies.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
hi, im kim and im an idiot.
What I do while hanging out with Chris. I'm always some sort of entertainment.
yeah, im stupid majority of the time.
yeah, im stupid majority of the time.
Friday, June 26, 2009
I know you'll appreciate this one,
this makes me so happy..... i know you'll like this one, Veronica :D
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
"You cheated on me?! when i specifically asked you not to!"
I refuse to let the actions of others bring me down.
I refuse to let someone affect me that much.
I may be bitter, but i am not broken.
I am not going to let someones mistake consume me.
If i let that happen, then i believe that im not living... i will always be hesitant. I will not be living it out to the fullest.
I may be damaged, but i am not broken.
Monday, June 22, 2009
oh, jazz....
how i love you.
You know exactly how i feel and give me the words to express it....
also you're sexy and always have good singers expressing this shit.
Some dudes cover of Ellas - Cry me a River
jazz Standard.
"You drove me, nearly drove me outta my head. While you never shed a tear. Remember? I remember all that you said. Told me love was too plebeian. Told me you were through with me. Now you say you love me, well just to prove you do, go ahead and cry me a river, cry me a river. I cried a river over you."
You know exactly how i feel and give me the words to express it....
also you're sexy and always have good singers expressing this shit.
Some dudes cover of Ellas - Cry me a River
jazz Standard.
"You drove me, nearly drove me outta my head. While you never shed a tear. Remember? I remember all that you said. Told me love was too plebeian. Told me you were through with me. Now you say you love me, well just to prove you do, go ahead and cry me a river, cry me a river. I cried a river over you."
Sunday, June 21, 2009
You feel me on this?
Thanks to Destiny for showing me this song during last jazz night.
This version of this song is super seductive and sassy... dare i say better than the original?
Here is Etta James' version of Billie Holidays song - Don't Explain.
"Hush now, Don't explain.
Just say you'll remain.
Im glad you're back.
Don't explain
Quiet, don't explain.
What is there to gain?
Stick that lipstick.
Don't explain
You know i love you
And what love endures
All my thoughts are of you
For im so completely yours
Cry to hear folks talk and i know you cheat.
Right or wrong don't matter when you're with me, sweet.
Hush, don't explain
You're my joy and pain
My lifes yours love,
Don't explain.
You know i love you
And what love endures
All my thoughts are of you
For im so completely yours
Cry to hear folks chatter, cause i know you cheat
Right or Wrong don't matter when you're with me, sweet.
Hush, don't explain
You're mt joy and pain
My lifes yours love,
Don't explain."
This version of this song is super seductive and sassy... dare i say better than the original?
Here is Etta James' version of Billie Holidays song - Don't Explain.
Just say you'll remain.
Im glad you're back.
Don't explain
Quiet, don't explain.
What is there to gain?
Stick that lipstick.
Don't explain
You know i love you
And what love endures
All my thoughts are of you
For im so completely yours
Cry to hear folks talk and i know you cheat.
Right or wrong don't matter when you're with me, sweet.
Hush, don't explain
You're my joy and pain
My lifes yours love,
Don't explain.
You know i love you
And what love endures
All my thoughts are of you
For im so completely yours
Cry to hear folks chatter, cause i know you cheat
Right or Wrong don't matter when you're with me, sweet.
Hush, don't explain
You're mt joy and pain
My lifes yours love,
Don't explain."
oh wow.
I was randomly looking through my old blog posts on my myspace and found this.
"
Ha, somethings just don't change.
im trying... really hard.
"
Friday, September 08, 2006
 | Current mood:  contemplative Category: Life A friend once told me that it's not about why someone that you love/loves you would do anything to hurt you. Lie, Cheat, Disappoint, etc.
We as humans are so complicated. Why does eveything need to be a guessing game? |
Ha, somethings just don't change.
im trying... really hard.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Another "typing out loud" blog.
FACT: I am very insecure about myself. .... Very VERY insecure.
Insecure when it comes to every aspect of myself; personality and (like every other girl on the plant) looks. Past experiences have led me to be this way, with a dash of poor self image. I remember being judge by people when I was younger... In elementary school, constantly being compared to the pretty girls and all that other bullshit. I'm pretty sure that the fucked up part is that I was being judged by the people who were supposed to love me "unconditionally" the family. I was so used to being put down that the image is seared into my mind, and might be there forever. I'm scared that I might always think I myself as the awkward little girl who was a plain jane, perhaps even a little lower than that. Wow, typing this makes me realized just how fucked up in the head I am.
Past relationships have not helped with this at all either. Jarrid was really the first guy that I can really remember where the insecure thing really started to corrupt my relationship. We dated for a long ass time.... And no matter how bad he would fuck up... Or no matter how fucked up the things he would say to me were, it would always be my fault. And I shit you not... This was my thought process throughout the entire downfall...
He wouldn't be trying to hook up with other people if I were prettier... Or if I was better in bed... If I were funnier or nicer..."
that was literally my thought process, as opposed to the normal reaction of "This guy is a total doubhebag who can get whatever is thrown his way!"
The lesson of the blog...?
I'm fragile, damaged goods, broken. I've mentioned it before, but I don't think you believed me. Every time I get upset about the little things is because I'm going off and blaming myself for them. I blame myself for not being as pretty as the other girls. I blame myself for not being as entertaining as the other girls. I need reassurance.... That feeling that I actually am good enough.
I know that this isn't a one way street... Yes, I do need reassurance, but I also need the knowledge and confidence to know that I am pretty enough, that I am entertaining... That I am exactly where I need.... No, where I WANT to be.
Reading this blog out loud makes me feel so bad.... I didn't know that I was at this low of a point.
Oh, why can't I just have a normal brain... Fuck, I just did it again.
Insecure when it comes to every aspect of myself; personality and (like every other girl on the plant) looks. Past experiences have led me to be this way, with a dash of poor self image. I remember being judge by people when I was younger... In elementary school, constantly being compared to the pretty girls and all that other bullshit. I'm pretty sure that the fucked up part is that I was being judged by the people who were supposed to love me "unconditionally" the family. I was so used to being put down that the image is seared into my mind, and might be there forever. I'm scared that I might always think I myself as the awkward little girl who was a plain jane, perhaps even a little lower than that. Wow, typing this makes me realized just how fucked up in the head I am.
Past relationships have not helped with this at all either. Jarrid was really the first guy that I can really remember where the insecure thing really started to corrupt my relationship. We dated for a long ass time.... And no matter how bad he would fuck up... Or no matter how fucked up the things he would say to me were, it would always be my fault. And I shit you not... This was my thought process throughout the entire downfall...
He wouldn't be trying to hook up with other people if I were prettier... Or if I was better in bed... If I were funnier or nicer..."
that was literally my thought process, as opposed to the normal reaction of "This guy is a total doubhebag who can get whatever is thrown his way!"
The lesson of the blog...?
I'm fragile, damaged goods, broken. I've mentioned it before, but I don't think you believed me. Every time I get upset about the little things is because I'm going off and blaming myself for them. I blame myself for not being as pretty as the other girls. I blame myself for not being as entertaining as the other girls. I need reassurance.... That feeling that I actually am good enough.
I know that this isn't a one way street... Yes, I do need reassurance, but I also need the knowledge and confidence to know that I am pretty enough, that I am entertaining... That I am exactly where I need.... No, where I WANT to be.
Reading this blog out loud makes me feel so bad.... I didn't know that I was at this low of a point.
Oh, why can't I just have a normal brain... Fuck, I just did it again.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
just ranting, like usual.
Like usual, I can't sleep and my mind is left to wander. Thought I might as well get everything down now.
I cried at work today.... Great huh? Stephanie came into the backroom while I was crying, awesome. I guess I was upset because I heard 2 different things going on..... Or I wonder if it's just because I'm in a bitchy mood because of this weeks work schedule.... Who knows.
I read veronicas blog earlier tonight, and I'm thoroghly convinced that she's onto something. Maybe, as much as it kills me to say it, she's right about the whole "this is how a relationship is supposed to be" thing... Sounds terrible, but to be honest that is how all of my relationships have been. I'm not sure if that's how it really is, or if all of my past relationships were just tucked up.
They were probably just fucked up.... Which means I'm fucked up.
I knew it.
Today was shitty.
I cried at work today.... Great huh? Stephanie came into the backroom while I was crying, awesome. I guess I was upset because I heard 2 different things going on..... Or I wonder if it's just because I'm in a bitchy mood because of this weeks work schedule.... Who knows.
I read veronicas blog earlier tonight, and I'm thoroghly convinced that she's onto something. Maybe, as much as it kills me to say it, she's right about the whole "this is how a relationship is supposed to be" thing... Sounds terrible, but to be honest that is how all of my relationships have been. I'm not sure if that's how it really is, or if all of my past relationships were just tucked up.
They were probably just fucked up.... Which means I'm fucked up.
I knew it.
Today was shitty.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
you're good at this.
He had me feeling like my heart was in the pit of my stomach when he dropped those lines on me...
"I want to talk to someone bout you... But I don't want to talk to anyone else but you..."
and
"I want all of you or nothing at all..."
I'm in love with him, but so scared at the same time....
"I want to talk to someone bout you... But I don't want to talk to anyone else but you..."
and
"I want all of you or nothing at all..."
I'm in love with him, but so scared at the same time....
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
so i have this letter,
im absolutely terrible at trying to say things that i need or want to say... so i was on the ferry last night and i just started writing... got everything that i wanted to say out without the awkward pauses that would have occured over the phone. i just wanted to let you know what was rolling through my head.
So the last couple of days i've been listening to the same songs over and over, its weird sometimes i will feel totally fine when im listening to them, and other times i wil want to just want to burst out into tears while driving on highway 16.
Current playlist:
The Edward Song - Veronica
Meet me in the City - The Black Keys
17
Manhattan
i want you - Kings of Leon
Wherever you go - Ida Maria
How ironic that i download all these songs the week before we break up... or is it coincidence?
im leaving for out california jazz trip tomorrow and im hoping that getting away from Gloomy old Washington will help me out a bit.
heres the one that gets me the most...
The Edward Song
I'm no good for you
You're no good for me
This will hurt, I know
you'll change your mind
This is what I want
I cannot pretend
& I promise I won't do this to you
again
Take care of yourself
Someone else needs you
Do not be reckless
I won't be there to save you
"Don't do this", you say
but it's far too late
My world is not made for you
I don't want you
To have a clean break
& me leave with out you
It's what's best for you
Time will heal all of your wounds
I'll always love you
in a way
But you must forget about me
like I never existed
Goodbye, take care of yourself
it's been decided... im sending the letter to you today, the day before i leave.
there i go acting off of impulse again...
So the last couple of days i've been listening to the same songs over and over, its weird sometimes i will feel totally fine when im listening to them, and other times i wil want to just want to burst out into tears while driving on highway 16.
Current playlist:
Meet me in the City - The Black Keys
17
Manhattan
i want you - Kings of Leon
Wherever you go - Ida Maria
How ironic that i download all these songs the week before we break up... or is it coincidence?
im leaving for out california jazz trip tomorrow and im hoping that getting away from Gloomy old Washington will help me out a bit.
heres the one that gets me the most...
I'm no good for you
You're no good for me
This will hurt, I know
you'll change your mind
This is what I want
I cannot pretend
& I promise I won't do this to you
again
Take care of yourself
Someone else needs you
Do not be reckless
I won't be there to save you
"Don't do this", you say
but it's far too late
My world is not made for you
I don't want you
To have a clean break
& me leave with out you
It's what's best for you
Time will heal all of your wounds
I'll always love you
in a way
But you must forget about me
like I never existed
Goodbye, take care of yourself
it's been decided... im sending the letter to you today, the day before i leave.
there i go acting off of impulse again...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I keep pushing
And pulling, it's just bringing me down.
There's a lot to think about.
All I really know is that I'm terrible at dating.
There's a lot to think about.
All I really know is that I'm terrible at dating.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
in response to my last post,
its not a matter of feeling that way anymore. Because your actions make it a known that it's just pure fact.
i need to get away from the places and people i have grown accustomed to.
i love them dearly, but it's time for something new.
i need to get away from the places and people i have grown accustomed to.
i love them dearly, but it's time for something new.
Friday, March 20, 2009
it's been a while.
Ever have that feeling like you're never gonna be good enough no matter how hard you try.
That's where I'm at right now.
That's where I'm at right now.
Monday, March 9, 2009
100
What's up 100th blog post?!!?
Now on to what a really wanted to blog about....
So it's been a while since I've been in a relationship with someone ( or a somewhat healthy one anyways )
Thought I would weigh the pros and cons of dating; according to me anyways, so here we go...
let's get the bad stuff out of the way...
CONs
*being emotionally/physically drained - I find that when I'm dating a person that I get consumed in it (like most people) but I was talking to someone about how whenever something is going wrong in my relationships that I tend to get sick, physically sick. Now I'm not sure if I'm the only person who experiences this, but if I'm in a little tiff with my significant other, or if something is botherig me a lot, I feel like throwing up, totally sick to my stomach. I'm pretty sure that it's not normal for people to get physically sick from shit like that (I'm pretty sure that there's a medical term for that, anyone know it? Let me know what I'm suffering from.)
* constant 2nd guessing - I think that this issue has nothing to do with the other person and that it's all on me. I have been fucked over one too many times, and naturally, have some trust issues. I apologize for always second guessing and being suspicious, but I won't change my ways until someone proves me wrong.... I'm thoroughly convinced that 95% of men out there are douchebags and will take whatever they can get if they know that they can get away with it. Actually scratch that, I think that men AND women are capable an willing to do that to each other.
*loosing moolah - being in a relationship really does drain ones bank account. I remembe that when Jarrid and I dated I spent a lot of money on shit; food, movies, gifts, etc. If you're in a relationship make sure that your bank account can handle it.
Now onto the good things...
PROs
*love - Trevor told me once that I'm a hopeless romantic, and after all these years, it still holds true. I like...no, LOVE having a connection with someone else that is totally different from everything else in your life. Different from family, co workers, friends, all of that.... I think that connection is something that everyone should experience. It's nice being able to have something that pure and rewarding as love is.
*pushing each other - call me crazy, but I like being tested when I'm dating someone. To me, I think it builds a lot of good characteristics in one another. In relationships you're forced into situations that may make you uncomfortable, but you learn how to deal and react. You build up will power, confidence, compassion. Nothing is as trying as being in a relationship.
Hmmmm 3 against 2. That's definately all I have to say about the subject... But it's almost 3 in the morning and I'm fuckin tired.
Ill continue this tomorrow.
Goodnight lovelies.
Now on to what a really wanted to blog about....
So it's been a while since I've been in a relationship with someone ( or a somewhat healthy one anyways )
Thought I would weigh the pros and cons of dating; according to me anyways, so here we go...
let's get the bad stuff out of the way...
CONs
*being emotionally/physically drained - I find that when I'm dating a person that I get consumed in it (like most people) but I was talking to someone about how whenever something is going wrong in my relationships that I tend to get sick, physically sick. Now I'm not sure if I'm the only person who experiences this, but if I'm in a little tiff with my significant other, or if something is botherig me a lot, I feel like throwing up, totally sick to my stomach. I'm pretty sure that it's not normal for people to get physically sick from shit like that (I'm pretty sure that there's a medical term for that, anyone know it? Let me know what I'm suffering from.)
* constant 2nd guessing - I think that this issue has nothing to do with the other person and that it's all on me. I have been fucked over one too many times, and naturally, have some trust issues. I apologize for always second guessing and being suspicious, but I won't change my ways until someone proves me wrong.... I'm thoroughly convinced that 95% of men out there are douchebags and will take whatever they can get if they know that they can get away with it. Actually scratch that, I think that men AND women are capable an willing to do that to each other.
*loosing moolah - being in a relationship really does drain ones bank account. I remembe that when Jarrid and I dated I spent a lot of money on shit; food, movies, gifts, etc. If you're in a relationship make sure that your bank account can handle it.
Now onto the good things...
PROs
*love - Trevor told me once that I'm a hopeless romantic, and after all these years, it still holds true. I like...no, LOVE having a connection with someone else that is totally different from everything else in your life. Different from family, co workers, friends, all of that.... I think that connection is something that everyone should experience. It's nice being able to have something that pure and rewarding as love is.
*pushing each other - call me crazy, but I like being tested when I'm dating someone. To me, I think it builds a lot of good characteristics in one another. In relationships you're forced into situations that may make you uncomfortable, but you learn how to deal and react. You build up will power, confidence, compassion. Nothing is as trying as being in a relationship.
Hmmmm 3 against 2. That's definately all I have to say about the subject... But it's almost 3 in the morning and I'm fuckin tired.
Ill continue this tomorrow.
Goodnight lovelies.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
A list,
Yesterday morning/afternoon was possibly the worst day/afternoon that i've had in a while.
So i decided that i would make a list of things that make me happy so that i can look at it and have it be a reminder of what i should be grateful for.
Amazing friends
Jazz Piano...actually any jazz
Friendly faces
Funny conversations
Surprises
Being spontaneous
Closing early
Slow nights at work
& car sex.
haha.
i have to go to work.
ugh.
So i decided that i would make a list of things that make me happy so that i can look at it and have it be a reminder of what i should be grateful for.
Amazing friends
Jazz Piano...actually any jazz
Friendly faces
Funny conversations
Surprises
Being spontaneous
Closing early
Slow nights at work
& car sex.
haha.
i have to go to work.
ugh.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Grow the fuck up already...
You need to fuckin man up already and get over it.
i can't believe that you would stoop so low as to post a picture of me, a private picture that i sent to you, over the fuckin internet.
i would never even think of doing that to anyone.
im so furious right now, i don't know what to do.
i can't believe that you would stoop so low as to post a picture of me, a private picture that i sent to you, over the fuckin internet.
i would never even think of doing that to anyone.
im so furious right now, i don't know what to do.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Hello you
it seems that this blog has been neglected, i apologize.
need an update?
Well ill give you your fill.
Work, School, and Jazz (yes, it is a league of its own) have created a black hole that has taken over my social life. I barely see anyone (unless they're my jazz buddies or people from work,) suckyyyyy! i barely get to see my parents anymore either. Hell, dad called me up earlier this week and left me a voicemail that went along the lines of this....
" Hey kim, just calling because i haven't seen you at all this week. Just wanted to see what you were up to and how school and work are going."
i didnt get to answer because i was in class. It just seems like a strange thing because i live with him.... hmmmm weird.
on a lighter note, we have a lot of traveling coming up after spring break. We get to sing at the Fullerton Jazz festival, Disneyland, and Mt Hood. Kinda stoked :)
um... i think thats pretty much it.
oh, Jazzline gets to sing with Gretta Matassa tonight, over at Tula's out in seattle.... gonna be a really cool gig.
ill let you know how that goes.
um... yeah, thats all.
bye ♥
need an update?
Well ill give you your fill.
Work, School, and Jazz (yes, it is a league of its own) have created a black hole that has taken over my social life. I barely see anyone (unless they're my jazz buddies or people from work,) suckyyyyy! i barely get to see my parents anymore either. Hell, dad called me up earlier this week and left me a voicemail that went along the lines of this....
" Hey kim, just calling because i haven't seen you at all this week. Just wanted to see what you were up to and how school and work are going."
i didnt get to answer because i was in class. It just seems like a strange thing because i live with him.... hmmmm weird.
on a lighter note, we have a lot of traveling coming up after spring break. We get to sing at the Fullerton Jazz festival, Disneyland, and Mt Hood. Kinda stoked :)
um... i think thats pretty much it.
oh, Jazzline gets to sing with Gretta Matassa tonight, over at Tula's out in seattle.... gonna be a really cool gig.
ill let you know how that goes.
um... yeah, thats all.
bye ♥
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I keep finding myself mumbling,
"i don't know"
i've been in a weird mood since last night. i dont really know whats going on. im contemplating, and i can't seem to make a clear concise answer to my questions.
i'm sure that these jazz music and lyrics aren't helping at all.
Perhaps i just need a little bit of space....(?) doesn't that always help when someone has a problem? stepping out of the situation and taking a look at everything without any attachment?
it's times like these that i wish i would stop acting like such a fuckin girl.
"but who can you trust now? when you can't even tell between lust and love?!"
i've been in a weird mood since last night. i dont really know whats going on. im contemplating, and i can't seem to make a clear concise answer to my questions.
i'm sure that these jazz music and lyrics aren't helping at all.
Perhaps i just need a little bit of space....(?) doesn't that always help when someone has a problem? stepping out of the situation and taking a look at everything without any attachment?
it's times like these that i wish i would stop acting like such a fuckin girl.
"but who can you trust now? when you can't even tell between lust and love?!"
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Blame it on my Youth
Richard introduced me to this song last week.
I fell in love.
This song pretty much sums up my experiences with love.
So thank you Richard, i know you were uber drunk when you sang this to me, but whatever.
I fell in love.
This song pretty much sums up my experiences with love.
So thank you Richard, i know you were uber drunk when you sang this to me, but whatever.
haha, this is a cover, but im in love with this guys voice.
If you get a chance, check out the version by Jamie Cullum.... Fuckin Amazing.
Thank goodness for Jazz nights and looking for old jazz standards ♥
If you get a chance, check out the version by Jamie Cullum.... Fuckin Amazing.
Thank goodness for Jazz nights and looking for old jazz standards ♥
If only just for you, I did exist, blame it on my youth
I believed in everything
Like a child of three
You meant more than anything
You meant all the world to me
If, you were on my mind, all night and day, blame it on my youth
If, I forgot to eat, and sleep and pray, blame it on my youth
If I cried a little bit, when first I learned the truth
Don’t blame it on my heart, blame it on my youth
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Goodbye two thousand hate
Dear 2008,
You were the year for hook ups, shake ups, and break ups. Although it was a fun year, it was a tough one. You forced me to learn a lot about myself. Stuck me in situations that i would not have thought that i'd be in...ever. You put me in the most uncomfortable situations sometimes, but i didn't mind it, i liked the challenge. I liked seeing how i reacted during them.
I would love to say that i've grown from the experiences that happened in "Two Thousand Hate" but only time can tell. I guess what im trying to say is that, you were awesome, but im totally ready for something new. I know that this new year will bring in some better and more challenging experiences for me.
Goodbye 2008.... and as for you 2009, all i can say to you is "FUCKIN BRING IT"
♥ Kimberlie
You were the year for hook ups, shake ups, and break ups. Although it was a fun year, it was a tough one. You forced me to learn a lot about myself. Stuck me in situations that i would not have thought that i'd be in...ever. You put me in the most uncomfortable situations sometimes, but i didn't mind it, i liked the challenge. I liked seeing how i reacted during them.
I would love to say that i've grown from the experiences that happened in "Two Thousand Hate" but only time can tell. I guess what im trying to say is that, you were awesome, but im totally ready for something new. I know that this new year will bring in some better and more challenging experiences for me.
Goodbye 2008.... and as for you 2009, all i can say to you is "FUCKIN BRING IT"
♥ Kimberlie
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