Saturday, June 13, 2009

Another "typing out loud" blog.

FACT: I am very insecure about myself. .... Very VERY insecure.

Insecure when it comes to every aspect of myself; personality and (like every other girl on the plant) looks. Past experiences have led me to be this way, with a dash of poor self image. I remember being judge by people when I was younger... In elementary school, constantly being compared to the pretty girls and all that other bullshit. I'm pretty sure that the fucked up part is that I was being judged by the people who were supposed to love me "unconditionally" the family. I was so used to being put down that the image is seared into my mind, and might be there forever. I'm scared that I might always think I myself as the awkward little girl who was a plain jane, perhaps even a little lower than that. Wow, typing this makes me realized just how fucked up in the head I am.

Past relationships have not helped with this at all either. Jarrid was really the first guy that I can really remember where the insecure thing really started to corrupt my relationship. We dated for a long ass time.... And no matter how bad he would fuck up... Or no matter how fucked up the things he would say to me were, it would always be my fault. And I shit you not... This was my thought process throughout the entire downfall...
He wouldn't be trying to hook up with other people if I were prettier... Or if I was better in bed... If I were funnier or nicer..."
that was literally my thought process, as opposed to the normal reaction of "This guy is a total doubhebag who can get whatever is thrown his way!"

The lesson of the blog...?
I'm fragile, damaged goods, broken. I've mentioned it before, but I don't think you believed me. Every time I get upset about the little things is because I'm going off and blaming myself for them. I blame myself for not being as pretty as the other girls. I blame myself for not being as entertaining as the other girls. I need reassurance.... That feeling that I actually am good enough.

I know that this isn't a one way street... Yes, I do need reassurance, but I also need the knowledge and confidence to know that I am pretty enough, that I am entertaining... That I am exactly where I need.... No, where I WANT to be.

Reading this blog out loud makes me feel so bad.... I didn't know that I was at this low of a point.
Oh, why can't I just have a normal brain... Fuck, I just did it again.

1 comment:

Veronica Lynn said...

:( Don't we all think like that from time to time. I really wish you didn't though because you're so much more than that (although I know it can be hard to see from your own point of view sometimes. we tend to beat ourselves up the most when it comes to that) & our own thoughts of ourselves can really do a number when it comes to confidence self worth. It's probably terrible that I'm writing this while I'm completely frustrated but I just read your post & I just had to say something. I <3 you & you're so much better than anyone who's ever put you down.