Saturday, September 27, 2008

What have i gotten myself in to?

I am still alive.... just barely though.

Jazzline, School, and Working the closing shifts are slowly starting to beat me down. I don't know if i can work on a full schedule. We got about 7 new pieces of music. We have 10 weeks till our first Jazz festival, and im scared shitless about how the group is going to do this year. I came in a quarter later than everyone else did last year; supposedly its always this stressful the first month, just because things need to be organized and praticing habits need to be established.
Still im a bit overwhelmed. 

considering getting a new job,  although i love the one i have right now, i cant handle having to close by myself all week.... no opening shifts for me because my schedule doesnt permit me to do so. Im at school from 9 till 3, with only an hour break for lunch... then i have my shifts from 4 till close.

oh god, what have i gotten myself into....

Saturday, September 13, 2008

typing out loud.

i have had a lot of time to myself to sit back and think about things that are going on in my life.

Sometimes i wonder if i do things because im a needy person. And when i say "somethings" only a few people know what im refering to. Am i one of those stupid little teenagers and needs the spotlight on them constantly? & the only way i think i can accomplish that is by doing what im doing? I look at other people around me and see things in their lives that i want in mine, but they are things that i just don't have. It's not that big of a deal.... i know, but still i continue to make poor decisions based off of impulse. Yes, i may find satisfaction from it at that moment, but it's only temporary. When will i learn that thats all there is to it? Temporary satisfaction?? Obviously i'm aware of it, but still continue to make the same mistake over and over again. At what point does it stop being a "mistake" and start becoming my own personal "choice"? It's been a choice..... its been a choice of mine for almost 7 fucking months now.
It's going to fuck me over in the end.  I will become someone who is always hesitant to let people in, someone who will never be able to trust people in that sense, someone who will have commitment issues. its starting to happen. i can see it already. i see myself becoming this person. I've had opportunity to let other people in; but i just cant seem to let people in. No one is ever good enough. But the truth is, im actually not good enough for anyone.

self realization.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Use this,

as future reference.

"Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man who loves you more.

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesnt mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness scare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return.

But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself.

Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is though EVERYTHING IS A MIRACLE.

Albert Einstein

Monday, September 1, 2008


Things were different this time.

and i cant seem to decide whether its a good thing or bad thing.
ill elaborate soon.