Saturday, September 13, 2008

typing out loud.

i have had a lot of time to myself to sit back and think about things that are going on in my life.

Sometimes i wonder if i do things because im a needy person. And when i say "somethings" only a few people know what im refering to. Am i one of those stupid little teenagers and needs the spotlight on them constantly? & the only way i think i can accomplish that is by doing what im doing? I look at other people around me and see things in their lives that i want in mine, but they are things that i just don't have. It's not that big of a deal.... i know, but still i continue to make poor decisions based off of impulse. Yes, i may find satisfaction from it at that moment, but it's only temporary. When will i learn that thats all there is to it? Temporary satisfaction?? Obviously i'm aware of it, but still continue to make the same mistake over and over again. At what point does it stop being a "mistake" and start becoming my own personal "choice"? It's been a choice..... its been a choice of mine for almost 7 fucking months now.
It's going to fuck me over in the end.  I will become someone who is always hesitant to let people in, someone who will never be able to trust people in that sense, someone who will have commitment issues. its starting to happen. i can see it already. i see myself becoming this person. I've had opportunity to let other people in; but i just cant seem to let people in. No one is ever good enough. But the truth is, im actually not good enough for anyone.

self realization.

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