oh wow.

I was randomly looking through my old blog posts on my myspace and found this.

"

Friday, September 08, 2006

A Midnight Blog. Current mood: contemplative Category: Life A friend once told me that it's not about why someone that you love/loves you would do anything to hurt you. Lie, Cheat, Disappoint, etc. It's more about a person not wanting to believe that someone that you care about, that someone you trusted, that someone that you gave your heart to, would or actually could be capable of doing something like that. You don't WANT to believe that the one who you cared about soo much would do something of that nature if they knew that the outcome would cause you some sort of pain. We as humans are so complicated. Why does eveything need to be a guessing game? Why the hell did it take me like 2 fuckin hours to write this? ohh yeahh because i was too busy doing 4289749374893 other things at once. G'night dearies."

Ha, somethings just don't change.
im trying... really hard.

Another "typing out loud" blog.

FACT: I am very insecure about myself. .... Very VERY insecure.

Insecure when it comes to every aspect of myself; personality and (like every other girl on the plant) looks. Past experiences have led me to be this way, with a dash of poor self image. I remember being judge by people when I was younger... In elementary school, constantly being compared to the pretty girls and all that other bullshit. I'm pretty sure that the fucked up part is that I was being judged by the people who were supposed to love me "unconditionally" the family. I was so used to being put down that the image is seared into my mind, and might be there forever. I'm scared that I might always think I myself as the awkward little girl who was a plain jane, perhaps even a little lower than that. Wow, typing this makes me realized just how fucked up in the head I am.

Past relationships have not helped with this at all either. Jarrid was really the first guy that I can really remember where the insecure thing really started to corrupt my relationship. We dated for a long ass time.... And no matter how bad he would fuck up... Or no matter how fucked up the things he would say to me were, it would always be my fault. And I shit you not... This was my thought process throughout the entire downfall...
He wouldn't be trying to hook up with other people if I were prettier... Or if I was better in bed... If I were funnier or nicer..."
that was literally my thought process, as opposed to the normal reaction of "This guy is a total doubhebag who can get whatever is thrown his way!"

The lesson of the blog...?
I'm fragile, damaged goods, broken. I've mentioned it before, but I don't think you believed me. Every time I get upset about the little things is because I'm going off and blaming myself for them. I blame myself for not being as pretty as the other girls. I blame myself for not being as entertaining as the other girls. I need reassurance.... That feeling that I actually am good enough.

I know that this isn't a one way street... Yes, I do need reassurance, but I also need the knowledge and confidence to know that I am pretty enough, that I am entertaining... That I am exactly where I need.... No, where I WANT to be.



Reading this blog out loud makes me feel so bad.... I didn't know that I was at this low of a point.
Oh, why can't I just have a normal brain... Fuck, I just did it again.

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it's a mixture...

Of a little bit of everything.



I'm feel like I'm going to cry.

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just ranting, like usual.

Like usual, I can't sleep and my mind is left to wander. Thought I might as well get everything down now.



I cried at work today.... Great huh? Stephanie came into the backroom while I was crying, awesome. I guess I was upset because I heard 2 different things going on..... Or I wonder if it's just because I'm in a bitchy mood because of this weeks work schedule.... Who knows.


I read veronicas blog earlier tonight, and I'm thoroghly convinced that she's onto something. Maybe, as much as it kills me to say it, she's right about the whole "this is how a relationship is supposed to be" thing... Sounds terrible, but to be honest that is how all of my relationships have been. I'm not sure if that's how it really is, or if all of my past relationships were just tucked up.


They were probably just fucked up.... Which means I'm fucked up.
I knew it.




Today was shitty.

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you're good at this.

He had me feeling like my heart was in the pit of my stomach when he dropped those lines on me...

"I want to talk to someone bout you... But I don't want to talk to anyone else but you..."
and
"I want all of you or nothing at all..."


I'm in love with him, but so scared at the same time....

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so i have this letter,

im absolutely terrible at trying to say things that i need or want to say... so i was on the ferry last night and i just started writing... got everything that i wanted to say out without the awkward pauses that would have occured over the phone. i just wanted to let you know what was rolling through my head.

So the last couple of days i've been listening to the same songs over and over, its weird sometimes i will feel totally fine when im listening to them, and other times i wil want to just want to burst out into tears while driving on highway 16.
Current playlist:
The Edward Song - Veronica
Meet me in the City - The Black Keys
17
Manhattan
i want you - Kings of Leon
Wherever you go - Ida Maria
How ironic that i download all these songs the week before we break up... or is it coincidence?

im leaving for out california jazz trip tomorrow and im hoping that getting away from Gloomy old Washington will help me out a bit.

heres the one that gets me the most...
The Edward Song
I'm no good for you
You're no good for me
This will hurt, I know
you'll change your mind

This is what I want
I cannot pretend
& I promise I won't do this to you
again

Take care of yourself
Someone else needs you
Do not be reckless
I won't be there to save you

"Don't do this", you say
but it's far too late
My world is not made for you
I don't want you

To have a clean break
& me leave with out you
It's what's best for you
Time will heal all of your wounds

I'll always love you
in a way
But you must forget about me
like I never existed

Goodbye, take care of yourself

it's been decided... im sending the letter to you today, the day before i leave.
there i go acting off of impulse again...

I keep pushing

And pulling, it's just bringing me down.




There's a lot to think about.
All I really know is that I'm terrible at dating.

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